If you haven’t finished your Stranger Things Netflix marathon, beware that mild spoiler-type objects exist within this post.
1. Two Moms
“Papa? Papa?” NOPE. We’ve put the band back together but this time it’s just The Mama and The Other Mama. Trust me, you’ll like it here.
2. Kleenex
Quick question, brah: got any kleenex?
Not even one tissue?
DOES NOBODY IN THIS TOWN HAVE SOME KLEENEX???!
3. All-Expenses-Paid Vacation to Disneyworld
Kids love Disneyworld, especially kids who’ve spent their formative years immersed in a sensory depravation tank while dressed in full-body Spanx with an astronaut helmet enclosing their sweet tiny head in a bubble of confusion and darkness. The world-famous buffet of cultural appropriation and commercialized journeys into the Imagination known as “Epcot Center” was founded in 1982, just one year before Eleven escaped from one of her various tiny holding cells into the woods. This can’t possibly be a coincidence! Listen: I love Epcot Center more than actual life itself. The Experimental Prototype Community of Tomorrow is precisely the type of quasi-Utopian technologist dreamscape a girl needs after so many years of crushing Coke cans with her eyeballs.
4. A shower
5. A Huggable Glo-Worm
“Huggable Glo-Worm glimmers with happiness every time toddlers lovingly squeeze his cuddly tummy. Children never need be afraid of the dark… smiling Glo-Worm makes the perfect night light or carry-around companion. “
6. A Waffle Iron
Also, a field trip to Waffle House.
7. A new wig
Consider this:
8. Confetti cake
Confetti Cake was invented for these kinds of situations. Listen: it’s confetti, in a cake. Have two slices! HAVE THE WHOLE DAMN CAKE. HAVE TWO WHOLE CAKES. Wear a giant t-shirt! Whatever you want, kiddo, we got it.
Yes, yes, just stay hydrated and I can promise you vanilla icing and sprinkles
9. Pants
10. Magical Friends
Telekenesis Friends
If I learned anything from watching X-Men with my then-boyfriend, reading Harry Potter for the first time about four months ago, or marathoning Heroes in my linoleum-tiled hellscape of an apartment during a particularly dark period of 2007, it’s that special powers are scary… UNTIL YOU MAKE A FRIEND WHO ALSO HAS POWERS. Alternately, I could just get her a subscription to Ranger Rick, which I think is like the pre-internet equivalent of cute kitten videos.
11. A Spinoff with Barb
#whataboutbarb
I want you to think about Barb, and I want you to think about Nancy. And then I want you to think about Item #1 on this list.
I can’t be the only one who thought Eleven was the gal version of Jude from The Fosters, right?
wait this is so real.
stop trying to make Barb and Nancy happen
#nancytruther
#teamsteveisnttheworst
Ah, so I see that I wasn’t the only one who looked at Barb looking at Nancy and said, “That girl is in love.”
My Glo-Worm was EV.er.Y.Thing as a kid. Now my girlfriend is my Glo-Worm for those afraid of the dark moments. Upgrade!
YES I binged this show last night and came to two conclusions:
1. The actor who plays Eleven is the next Natalie Portman (remember baby Natalie Portman? Remember The Professional?)
2. Barb can do so much better than Nancy. If Barb lives thru this she is going to move to Seattle and join the Riot Grrl scene and volunteer at the animal shelter with Carrie Brownstein and become a raging lesbian.
BARB NEEDS TO GET THE HELL OUT OF DODGE Y’ALL but maybe in a different way than the way it seems she has gotten out of dodge thus far
I wish Barb the 2. Future you gave her, she has a cute little VW Golf that would totally hold all the bands gear…because the canon future is way too slug based.
just started watching this and i am pro an eleven and barb spinoff
This. She is a sweet dove of a child! I just want to wrap her up in a fluffy comforter and rock her and tell her comforting stories and give her all the things.
How come no one cares about Barb?