Banter has historically been a major part of my flirting technique. I feel like I was forged in the flames of the House/Cuddy dynamic in House M.D. or — even more nerdily — the Beatrice/Benedick dynamic in Much Ado About Nothing. Did Shakespeare teach me how to flirt? MAYBE SO. When I was pretending to be straight though, I discovered a lot of straight men aren’t as into that dynamic as some of the fictional men I was drawn to. They wanted to be the wittier/smarter one. But witty and sometimes tease-y banter in a queer flirtation context went a lot better!

After the last big breakup I went through, I think my flirtation style could be summed up as…wearing low-cut tops? Tits out? Yeah, I think my flirting style was basically tits out. My post-breakup hoe phase taught me a lot about the power of tits out. And about myself or whatever.

I knew I was into my current wife when we were first starting to talk because I cracked a lot of jokes and sent a lot of photos. That combination absolutely gave away how much I was into her. I also took her to a lot of my favorite bars and restaurants. I absolutely think of food as a tool for flirtation! Even now, when we’re married, I don’t technically have to “flirt” with her to get her attention, but I do use food and jokes/banter to connect with her. And, of course, tits out.

My approach to flirting is very similar to my approach to forming friendships which is why I think I’ve often gotten those things confused throughout my life. If I’m into someone, I express a lot of interest in them. I talk to them, I ask to hang out with them, I watch the movies they like or read the books they like or listen to the music they like. People often interpret these things as just friend interest? I wish I was more sexual in my flirting, because that would be clearer. I don’t usually get sexual until I’ve already had sex with someone.

If I’m in person, I will flirt with some physical touch. Like letting my knee touch their knee if we’re sitting at a bar. Or my hand touch theirs if we’re sitting next to each other. Whether or not they move can reveal a lot. Even just like a hand gently on someone’s back as you walk by them at a party or pass by their chair to go to a restaurant bathroom.

Personally, I think my friend-only banter and my flirt banter are different, but I understand that may not be evident to other people.

I think one of two things happen with me with regard to flirting: I either do not flirt in fear of coming off as creepy or my regular personality is misinterpreted as flirting. I’ve been told that I come off as naturally flirtatious, which is entirely unintentional and actually humiliating.

When I think of my ideal flirting situation, I think about making “the eyes” at someone from across the bar. I notice myself moving into their line of sight, smiling and giggling more, and increasingly flashing coy half-smiles until they come over to talk to me. It’s honestly worked for me, and more than once. I’m not the best conversationalist — in fact, I’m quite awkward with my words — so I know my strengths lie in the non-verbals. I’ll really know I’m into someone when I perk up and suddenly become a social butterfly. I’m usually not like this, but you wouldn’t ever know that if I was coming on to you.

It’s hard to describe my flirting style because I’m usually too shy to initiate conversation, but once you get me started, it’s hard to shut me up. When someone catches my eye, I’m staring them down and making “the eyes,” but I have Resting Bitch Face. Ever since I was a teenager, I’ve been told I’m quite intimidating, so shout out to people who come up and talk to me anyway. To try and offset my RBF, I try to joke around with the person of interest by either making a self-deprecating joke (classic Gemini) or rambling about my new favorite television show (I binge a lot). I’m not sure if people are aware that I’m into them when I am. Past partners have told me that they assumed I wasn’t into them. However, my friends can always tell. In my mind, I’m not staring very hard, but my friends can always see who my latest obsession is often before I even see it for myself.

I think I learned how to be naturally flirty from watching my Dad. He has this easy and approachable self-confidence that I’ve never once seen him put away, and though I think his is more real deep-down than mine, I’ve kind of adopted a similar way of moving through the world. People often interpret this as being flirty and “charming” so I’ve just embraced it. I’m really extroverted and have an absurd sense of humor, which I think also helps in the flirting department. I’m not afraid to make eye contact, engage others in conversation, ask about their lives and interests, get some initial information about what moves them or makes them “tick,” crack jokes about things happening around us, banter back and forth, etc. If the other person is sending signs that they’re mind is in the same place as mine, then I’ll really lean into it and lay the charm on thick, maybe flirt with light touch here and there. When I’m attracted to someone, I’m never afraid to show it, which has worked to varying degrees throughout my life. It’s a weird thing because there are so many areas where failure scares the shit out of me, but with hooking up and dating, I’ve just always had this attitude that life is way too short not to just go for it.

My ‘flirting’ involves answering the person’s messages in a timely fashion, being invested in the conversation, and using an increasing number of red heart emojis ❤️. With women, this often just leads to me being perceived as a very sweet friend. Oops.

I’m autistic and quite direct in my communications as a result of that. I’ve learned to better advocate for myself, including in dating interactions. If I’m talking to someone I’m romantically interested in, I’ll start dropping boundary-setting markers like “what are you looking to get out of our talks?” and “how do you feel about where the convo is going?” If I think the other person is interested in me, I may just ask something like, “are we flirting? No problem either way, I just want to know where things stand,” to give everyone involved clarity.

There’s a hilarious gendered divide between how men and women perceive my outward personality. I tend to actively flirt with and pursue connections with women. But my flirting is often mistaken for friendliness. The cis-het men I encounter in daily life seem more… easily pleased, even mistakenly so. I’m very much on the receiving end of the phenomenon where men think any amount of friendliness I show is flirting. I also dress sluttier than the women around me. Pierced nipples visible through my sweaters, always in heels, prefer miniskirts, etc. Men in public often think that this mere state of existence is an invitation for them to speak to me (it’s not). Heartwarmingly, the women I run into just think I’m pretty and that is a feeling I live for. I love women, honestly.

But basically, if I’m quite friendly, invested in the conversation and dropping heart emojis… I’m probably flirting. Those are the textual markers I exhibit when I care about someone. And most of my flirting is done via text. I’m ‘weirder’ in person. That’s great, but not conducive to flirtation.

I flirt by thinking of you, and if you don’t feel yourself in my thoughts, then it wasn’t meant to be. I am a classic tragic stereotype of a masc who almost never makes the first move. I am, indeed, nowhere near about that life. On top of that, you have to give me the clearest signal that you’re romantically interested, or it’ll completely go over my head.
I will say, the upside is that the moment you make it clear the door is open, I’m running through it like the Kool-Aid man. I stand as closely as consensually possible, don’t break eye contact, and become a damn poet. So, essentially, I’m one hell of a flirt when I want to be.

My style depends on the format I’m flirting in. If it’s over text, I’m incredibly suggestive. I remember telling my wife after we met that I wanted to see her again with “less talking and more touching.” A well placed emoji is useful, but I tried to stay away from the winking face. It’s too obvious.

Banter is one of my go-tos via text or in person; if I can get you in an easy word volley, I’m instantly intrigued. I’m a yapper, so I need someone who can keep up.

If it’s in person, I have a tendency to incorporate touch into my flirting. Nothing too heavy handed, just a light touch on an arm or shoulder. I will also close the gap between our bodies; letting our legs gently touch, or being able to brush hands. Eye contact is also another one. I will hold it, and then gently look down and back up through my eyelashes to show interest. It shows you’re engaged in the conversation. Every so often, I’d throw in a glance to their mouth to make it clear I’m interested in kissing them. I still do this stuff with my wife. Flirting is fun!

I am notoriously bad at telling when people are flirting with me. I simply do not notice, writing it off as them being nice. The other person has to make it super clear before I catch on, and then we’re in business. Like most of us, it seems, I do rely heavily on banter. And I thrive on text. In real life I am much more quick to blush and bail on a flirtatious exchange. I always joke that “I’m a writer, not a speaker” because even though I can definitely be rambly, I’m not necessarily eloquent out loud. Also once we’ve established that we’re definitely flirting, I’m a fan of the subtle touching Drew mentioned before. Touching their arm while you talk more often than strictly necessary, brushing their hair off their shoulder, etc. That said, it has been a minute since I’ve been flirted with or flirted back so probably at this stage I’d just turn red and forget my own name.

When it comes to flirting, I struggle with Absolutely Not Flirting if I have a crush whose interest I’m unsure of. There’s only one way to find out, right? Well, in this case, I’m flirting by maybe trying to strike up conversation but also probably appearing completely uninterested because I’m freaking out. Once I’m pretty sure interest is reciprocated though, then the game changes, and I actually have…some game.

For flirting itself, it really varies with me and depends a lot on the vibes the other person gives off. Are they shy? I’m much more likely to tread lightly and offer up cute jokes. Are they goofy and loud and seem like they can take a little ribbing? Then, I’ll let that part of myself out to match their energy. In early, flirty stages, I love witty text exchanges and in-person banter. On dates or “is it a date?’s” I love small acts of service when flirting with a queer cutie — holding a door, getting a bartender’s attention for them, offering them the better seat.

I did recently have an experience where a queer person I’d just met (in the context of a small group trip) would not stop following me around and flirting with me, or outright hitting on me, to the point where I was distinctly uncomfortable and unsure how I could make it any more apparent that I wasn’t into the attention. This put me off flirting a bit, and has definitely influenced my approach toward something much lighter than paths I might have taken otherwise.