I’m six weeks post-op from Top Surgery, and I’m learning a ton. I’m learning more about my body and my dysphoria, my goals for transitioning, and most importantly, life without boobs. Something truly beautiful about the trans community is the innumerous number of Google Docs, websites, Instagram posts, Autostraddle pieces, Reddit threads, TikTok videos, Notes Apps, and other resources that are shared amongst friends and strangers. I wish we didn’t need to be our own cohort of make-shift medical professionals but until our country’s healthcare system gets its shit together, we have to look out for our own. And even with all of these different experiences pulled together for my comfort and convenience, there’s still some stuff that comes as a surprise. So, consider this but one small contribution to the network of What’s the Deal with Top Surgery? resources.

Phantom Boob

I find myself going to grab my own chest during sex or going to hold them when I break into a jog down the hall as if they’re still there. It’s not that I miss them — because I don’t — but I am, of course, so accustomed to them. Not only am I used to having them there, but I’m used to them being an issue for me (well, except for the sex part).

Nipple Sensation

My left nipple has, what appears to be, complete nerve sensation. I was told the nerve that connects the nipple to my pleasure center would be severed, and even if I get some sensation back in the nipple itself, it wouldn’t be the same as before. That seems to not be the case. On the other nipple, the right side didn’t get as lucky.

I Love My Scars

Before surgery, one of the biggest deterrents for me was the scars, mostly because I tend to get keloids. I love the way scars look on other trans dudes. I think they’re sexy. But I was nervous for myself and for my vanity. Now, I almost never want them to go away. I love them; I love how they look; I love what they represent. I stare at myself in the mirror all the time, and I see a body that was meant to be, even with the scars. It just makes sense, you know?

It’s Kinda No Biggie

I thought that it would take me months to get used to seeing myself without breasts and that it would be a really weird adjustment. But truthfully, I’ve already gotten used to it! There was all of this anticipation just to be like “Okay, this is it now.” It’s also been affirming for my girlfriend to not be fazed by it. She thinks it’s how I’m meant to look, like it looks natural, which is sick!

I Feel Liquids Travel All the Way Down My Chest

I’ve spoken to a few other people who also experienced this, and we think it’s due to maybe not having the breast tissue to keep your chest warm? I kind of sound silly when I try to articulate this to other people who don’t immediately get what I’m saying, and I fear that’s the case as I’m typing this. But you know when you really have not had anything to eat in a while and you chug  a bunch of ice water, and you feel it travel all the way down your entire digestive system? That happens to me every time I drink something.

Similarly, My Chest Gets So Much Colder in Low Temps

I have been wearing a vest under my jackets to keep my chest nice and warm during New York winter. I feel like those high school athletes with torn ACLs who could predict when it was going to rain. I’ve actually connected with cis dudes about this, who feel seen by my need for an extra layer. I even got a guy off the hook with his girlfriend who teases him about his vests. Next step: boat shoes and an Apple Watch.

I’m Not Shirtless as Often as I Thought I’d Be

I thought I’d be walking around my neighborhood shirtless, getting kicked out of establishments for indecent exposure, breaking dress codes left and right, and hard posting to Instagram every time I passed a mirror. So far, I’ve restrained myself. Partly because it’s still pretty cold in New York and partly because I think I need to hit the gym a little bit before I feel comfortable being shirtless in public.

I Don’t Just Like My Surgeon, I Love Him!

The process of finding a surgeon that was in-network with my insurance, taking new patients, booking within the year, had good vibes, and had a history of work performing top surgery was… almost bad enough to make me give up altogether. So, I told myself I would find a surgeon who checks the boxes and that will be that. I don’t have to love the guy, we’re not going to be besties, he’s there to do a job. But man, did I land on a surgeon I really love! He and my girlfriend text all of the time, he gets my name and pronouns right, he has long-lasting relationships with previous patients, and he loves that I write stuff like this list for other trans people to read. He’s a true ally, and let me tell you: I had low expectations for an old white dude who drives a Tesla on Long Island.

I Wasn’t in Any Pain

I know there are people who have gotten top surgery who have experienced a great deal of pain due to existing conditions and/or surgery complications. I know I am extremely privileged to say this, but it was pretty much a breeze. I did, though, experience a fair amount of discomfort from the drains and from the pain meds that I ultimately stopped taking, but other than that, I cannot say that I had any pain. The constipation is real, though.

I Am Not as Motivated to Workout as I Thought I Would Be

I told myself (and many, many other people) that I was going to get jacked after top surgery. “I’ll have no problem running once my boobs are gone!” and “I’ll love my new body so much that I’ll just really get to work afterwards” are two examples of lies I told myself and loved ones. It’s not that I am going to have a problem running or that I don’t love my body, I’m just still the same person I was before surgery: lazy. I simply am not interested in exercising. Don’t worry, though, I have a pending testosterone prescription.

This, of course, is not a complete list of things that may come as a surprise to someone about Top Surgery. For instance, I shared to my Instagram story during recovery that I was pretty shocked that I walked myself into the operating room. You see, I watch too much Grey’s Anatomy, and I assumed I would be rolled in on a stretcher, already knocked out. If you think I missed anything here that others could learn from, drop a line in the comments! Let’s be another resource for our trans siblings.

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!