We used to watch a lot of Criminal Minds, because we loved the characters so much, but a person can only handle so many “cannibal serial killers being stopped at the very last minute right before the final victim loses their life” before one must assess the impact said insanity and horrifying violence has on one’s life. And although I actually really usually enjoy the Warehouse 13 hijinks, I find myself wanting more — not more hijinks, but more Claudia Donovan. You feel me? (Is this why fan fiction exists? I’ve honestly never read fan fiction, I think I’m afraid that if I did I might want to start writing some and then really all bets are off w/r/t my future.)
Penelope Garcia & Derek Morgan, Criminal Minds
You’re going to learn very quickly that I have a thing for smart geeky girls with weird hair who can find shit using the internet lickity split and whenever said girl is asked “can you find this thing?” replies with some clever variation on “can a [x] do [y]?” So really, I’d love to watch The Garcia Show — ideally a Veronica Mars-ish situation covering Garcia as a teen genius. Alternately, I think we all know that Garcia and Morgan belong together and I would enjoy a quirky sitcom about the pair and their inevitably perfect offspring.
Kalinda Sharma, The Good Wife
I mostly enjoyed this show but would prefer it if it was called The Good Kalinda and the amount of time spent on Alicia’s personal life was instead spent on Kalinda’s. In my ideal show, however, we’d reach way back and pull out this woman’s entire life story, starting from the first time she hooked up with a girl while doing badass things at boarding school.
Claudia Donovan, Warehouse 13
Have you noticed that Claudia’s hair is a different color every season? Firstly, I love that she is a person who has been institutionalized for a mental illness and is totally on top of her shit now, being helpful and functional and funneling her eccentricities into an area where they are not seen as eccentricities, but assets. But really she should be headlining a nerdy sitcom with her gay bestie, The Lie Detector, that’ll air the same night on the same network as The Mindy Project or else be one-half of Garcia’s a girl-detective duo on their Veroncia Mars-ish CW dreamscape.
Lydia Adams, Southland
I’ve only caught this show in bits and pieces here and there after Season One, but I got into her so hard back then. Obviously I have a thing for the women who hold it down on shows that are mostly about dudes, but I think she’s brilliant and flawed and nuanced and and I fucking love her. I think she should command a Battlestar or just transfer to Brooklyn Nine-Nine.
Olivia Benson, Law and Order SVU
At some point the writers began their weak attempts to fill the void in Benson’s life with Harry Connick Jr, but it never clicked. I’m not sure procedural writers are the best scribes for Olivia Benson’s story. I want an Olivia Benson drama on cable, like on a lady-focused channel because I think she needs the extra-soft sentiment only those channels can execute as flawlessly syrupy as necessary. I wanna see Olivia Benson the day after she graduated from whatever higher education institution she attended. I wanna see her have friends, and have a drink with a lady who she does not work with or maybe have a birthday party or even honestly just GO to a birthday party. I want to see Olivia LIVE.
Dr. Spencer Reid, Criminal Minds
This autistic genius from Criminal Minds should be the Landry-from-Friday-Night-Lights of a really well-written hour-long drama series that Emily Nussbaum likes a lot. Spencer and Garcia are the reason I kept tuning in to the show despite the fact that, as Mandy Patinkin has accurately noted, “I never thought they were going to kill and rape all these women every night, every day, week after week, year after year. It was very destructive to my soul and my personality.” I loved seeing the interactions between these awkward outsiders who were somewhat “apart” due to their genius, but Reid was the most apart of all. I kept thinking, sheesh, I wish your talents were being put to use elsewhere.
H.G. Wells, Warehouse 13
I feel like her bisexuality is being wasted when they keep bronzing her or killing her or turning her into a hologram or sending her out on some random journey to find a dagger. She should be arm-wrestling Regina from Once Upon a Time or stealing Lauren away from Bo on Lost Girl. Sorry but seriously just think about it.
George Huang, Law & Order Special Victims Unit
I love B.D. Wong in everything, but what if he was dating the gay guy from Warehouse 13 and they went to the Police Officer’s Ball together or something? RIGHT.
Myka Bering & Pete Latitmer, Warehouse 13
You know how there are shows you watch where you ship two of the main female characters so hard and are so frustrated that they’re not actually making sweet love all the time that you don’t even have the brain capacity to appreciate their tender loving friendship? That’s how it must feel to be a straight person watching Pete & Myka. Luckily, I’m totally gay, and fuck I love the friendship between these two! (While wondering if the Myka-H.G. thing was created just to torture people?) As you may have heard, I hate men, but I have a soft spot the size of a mattress for Pete being a total geek and the playful but protective relationship between him and Myka and how they lean so hard on each other. I love it so much that I’d really like to see a show that is 75% real life relationships and family shit and 25% artifact-hunting.
Shout Out to Everyone on The Wire
I could watch a show about anybody on The Wire except McNulty and the weasely mayor, but also I kind of did ’cause even though Wikipedia claims that The Wire is a police procedural, it’s really not. It’s just about life and death in Baltimore and the human beings and institutions who define the nature of that life and death. I feel like Omar needs a comic book. Also, what if Kima Greggs had a show all to herself. LOL a show centered on a black lesbian cop on television! HAHAHAAHA ANY DAY NOW
Who do you wanna see get their own show? I don’t watch CSI, Castle, Bones or any of those shows, but I bet y’all have a lot of feelings about them don’t you.
I would like nothing more than for there to be a show chronicling the daily lives of Temperance Brennan and Angelica Montenegro. In which they solve crimes and are generally awesome. Camille Saroyan can come too.
Also Garcia & Morgan for life, y’all.
And if there was a show about Spencer Reid I would TIVO that shit so fast it would make your head spin.
I’ve always said that I’d be all over a show that had Garcia from CM, Abby from NCIS, and Angela from Bones. Throw in Drs. Reid and Saroyan, and I’d do back-flips.
I’ve always wanted a cross over show between NCIS and Criminal Minds so that Garcia and Abby could become best friends and Ziva could seduce Emily Prentiss and all my dreams would come true.
You hit me right in my television-obssesed heart.
Yes to everyone in here!
I just want to add Donna from Suits because she’s just awesome, and she knows it!
Regina King on “Brooklyn 99” is DEFINITELY a thing that must happen, ASAP.
Also, there apparently almost was a show centered solely around Helena “H.G.” Wells. Once again, Canadian sci-fi procedural shows making me weep over what could have been and what never was.
Still holding out for Clyde the Turtle from “Elementary” to get his own spin-off.
“Also, there apparently almost was a show centered solely around Helena “H.G.” Wells.”
i am so sad that this almost but didn’t happen as i see nothing about this idea that isn’t 100% brilliant
YES to Huang and Olivia. YES YES YES. I quite literally despise the guy that Olivia is currently seeing and it breaks my heart that she doesn’t see that she totally deserves heaps better than him because she’s the most fantastic thing that’s ever happened oh my gosh. And I want her to be a mom.
And I miss Huang so much. He was one of the best characters on TV. Loooove him. Everything he said was just on point. But then, of course, because he’s BD Wong. I’d go straight for Li Shang.
I tried to like the guy she is currently seeing. Really I did. But then I was like…nope. Not going to happen.
I mean, he’s Mayhem in those insurance commercials. Clearly that’s a sign.
Also, he was a douche bag boyfriend to Liz Lemon, my other favorite TV lady. So.
Did you guys see Oz though? Because holy fucking stab me in the eyeball, that brings a whole new dimension of creepiness to his situation with Olivia.
I would soooo watch every single one of these, especially anything involving Claudia Donovan and/or H.G. Wells. I’m also mildly obsessed with Jaime Murray, so there’s that…
And you are totally right that fanfiction fills so many of these holes in my heart, but it’s also a black void, mind suck that never lets you leave or watch any of your favourite tv shows the same ever again. Not that I mind…
I second the Jaime Murray obsession…when she left hustle I wept.
Also omg yes, Regina King on Brooklyn Nine Nine, being the co-captain or minion of Ray Holt. Yes forever.
I’d be upset that my use of HTML failed so hard there, but really I think it’s a metaphor for the relationship I was referencing anyway so oh well.
!!
This. So. Much. There are so many of these characters I love, but, in my (not so) old age, I’ve figured out that that I just don’t want my brain filled with most of the plot points of these shows. (Except The Good Wife and The Wire.) Wow, would I would be *there* for a drama with Olivia, Kalinda, and Kima.
As long as I’m imagining, I’m just going to add in Det.Megan Wheeler from Law & Order CI – because Julianne Nicholson and freckles.
“I feel like Omar needs a comic book.” – I would read the shit out of that comic book.
“Also, what if Kima Greggs had a show all to herself. LOL a show centered on a black lesbian cop on television! HAHAHAAHA ANY DAY NOW” – Ahaha! I needed a good laugh today. Thanks for that one.
I would watch the shit out of a show just dedicated to Cosima from Orphan Black
THIS
I stopped watching Criminal Minds cause much as I loved the characters, the violence was too much.
and gods, Kalinda is being wasted on the good wife! as is HG on Warehouse 13, these shows do not deserve such amazing characters when they give them 5 minutes where they run errands!
I actually had a list of “characters too good for their shows” and it included kalinda and reid.
YES “characters too good for their shows” I think would’ve been an apt title for this. That would actually be a fun list to do for all genres…
Awesome list Riese! I so agree with everyone from Warehouse 13! And also I want more Cosima in a show where she could be her awesome self and do crazy science with Delphine without the threat of death hanging over her head!
Riese, I really think you should write this giant fanfic mashup of all of these perfect characters away from their less-than-perfect shows. It can be the second ever fanfic ever featured on Autostraddle!
Then again, the awesomeness of it may break the internet, so maybe not.
I’m so unbelievably giddy over Warehouse 13 being mentioned in an Autostraddle post. My best friend got me hooked on it a couple of years ago, and OH!, how it tugs at my heartstrings. It took me two days to finish watching the Season 3 finale because I couldn’t handle the feelings. SHE SMELLED APPLES, y’all!
Also, HG Wells and Dr. Hotpants getting into all sorts of science-y shenanigans? Hello, the one thing I never knew I always wanted. That’s the only way I could cope with Myka and HG only ever being just subtext.
As for who else I would want to see get their own spinoff, I would have to go with Astrid Farnsworth from Fringe. Such an underrated and underused character. Plus, any excuse to have Jasika Nicole’s adorable face on my TV every week will always have my support.
Astrid forever. For.Ever.
I would love a show centered on the college adventures of Alexis Castle. I would especially look forward to the storyline where she realizes her bisexuality and starts dating a women’s studies major played by Bex Taylor-Klaus or Dichen Lachman or something.
Does ‘ReGenesis’ count as a procedural? Because I would watch 6 seasons and a movie about Mayko Tran, Jill Langston, and Bob Melnikov road tripping across Canada being awesome.
Alexis castle and the daughter from Lie to me rooming at college would be excellent. Imagine the fathers visiting and the ensuing detect-off.
This. Is. Awesome. I’d watch the shit out of Garcia-ca Mars with Claudia and Astrid. 3 girl genius detectives saving the town one mystery at a time. Also I’m about to get British (and Sci fi)on this so bear with me… I’d like to see a show with Samantha (from Foyle’s War), a younger Ariadne Oliver (from Poirot) and the Paternoster road gang (from Dr who) travel through time between the Victorian era and WW2 solving crimes too weird for the police.
Allow me to give you a virtual giant bear hug for the Warehouse 13 love.I am already grieving their loss something hard.
HG Wells WAS supposed to get her own spin off, but alas..
I am going to miss Myka when the last scene has flitted across screens in May, because, man, how many swordsavy,vestwearing,whipsmart, multilingual,Lit Loving, beautiful kickass nerdy Ladies are out there? And how many have lovable unquestionable friends and smokingly hot romantic,complicated interests from another century?
I would restructure the whole deal into a show called “The B&B – Solving Puzzles, Saving the Day”, a loving family mystery with a big rainbow family, headed by Helena and Myka, of course, Pete the honorary daddy persona, Steve and Caudia and Artie, Vanessa and Leena and Trailer,a few kids getting into harmless trouble with dancing teapots and magic furniture, lots of light and maybe a musical number or two, and some mystery and puzzle solving, that features important life lessons for Claudia and Steve and the kids.
This is like, 100% my feelings about every procedural show in the history of ever. I don’t care about your artifact/criminal/patient/emergency of the week – I just want to see what these awesome characters get up to on their days off!
It’s like, if you called up your best friend wanting to hear about her life and all she kept telling you about was the stupid things she gets up to at work! Like, sure, yeah, hunting down that monster sounds super crazy, but I love YOU, I just want to hear about that date you went on or the fight you had with your mom or that party you and your roommates threw last weekend. Those personal, human moments, those are what I care about.
“I don’t care about your artifact/criminal/patient/emergency of the week – I just want to see what these awesome characters get up to on their days off!”
Yes, exactly!
I would be 150% okay with a sitcom or drama about Alex Cabot and Olivia Benson, either being (gay) girlfriends, or (hetero) girlfriends.
Or Casey Novak and Olivia Benson. Or Casey Novak, Alex Cabot, and Olivia Benson just being gal pals, livin’ life.
I want a hilarious tongue in cheek sci fi drama about Abby from NCIS.
I super appreciate all the Warehouse 13 on this list.
Gwen from Torchwood. Actually, she should team up with Robin Tunney’s character from the Mentalist as a Welsh/American crime fighting duo of adorableness.
Can Captain Jack Harkness make an appearance somehow, please?
all this time, you’ve all been watching warehouse 13 and i had no idea! i feel so much less alone in the world now
While we’re on the subject, I’d like to say that I spent every Monday night when I was 11-13 watching Criminal Minds, despite it giving me nightmares for the rest of the week, solely because of my giant crush on Emily Prentiss. Smart+tough+vulnerable+complex past is my kryptonite. Plus black hair, big eyes, tight red tops… Girl spoke Italian ONCE and I wanted to move to Italy. For that reason, I’d like to include her in any show starring Criminal Minds characters. Actually, I’d like an entire show about the lives of Criminal Minds characters while they’re not chasing down psychopaths.
I really feel this piece because the reason I watch any particular procedural is invariably because I love at least one character SO MUCH, and I feel that way about everyone on this list.
For me, I feel this way about basically every non-Hannibal Lector character from Hannibal.
No but I say the exact same thing about Warehouse. I would watch the hell out of a show that’s literally them fighting over the grocery list and who does what chores at the B&B. I mean there’s so much comedy gold just waiting to be dug up in a scenario with all these different people living in a Bed & Breakfast together. Plus I love the characters so much that I would literally watch a show in which they all just bicker adorably over nothing. Yes. Give me this. And not the fuckery that is this final season.
Also, while we’re talking about Good Wife spinoffs, and while I’d totally watch something that focused on Kalinda, there needs to be a show about the misadventures of one Eli Gold. Why? Because Alan Cumming, that’s why.