Welcome to the  fifty-fifth installment of  Queer Your Tech with Fun, Autostraddle’s nerdy tech column. Not everything we cover will be queer per se, but it will be about customizing this awesome technology you’ve got. Having it our way, expressing our appy selves just like we do with our identities. Here we can talk about anything from app recommendations to choosing a wireless printer to web sites you have to favorite to any other fun shit we can do with technology.

Header by Rory Midhani

Today we have, not just one, but two guest columnists. Please give a warm round of virtual applause for Fikri and Natalie!

My partner and I live far away enough from each other to make seeing each other more than a couple of times a year difficult, but not far away enough to stop me from hassling her into playing Scrabble with me. Yay, technology! Now we know we’re not the only queermos in this boat – I see you, people who hooked up at A-Camp despite knowing one of you lives in Nova Scotia and the other in Texas – so we’ve tried out a bunch of iOS games that you can play with your human even while 11,000 km apart. Or, y’know, in the same room but just feeling like communicating through iDevice screens. That’s okay too. I won’t judge.

I grew up playing with games on loads of different consoles and play them obsessively; Natalie, on the other hand, is so much the opposite that she felt the need to mention on her OkC profile that she “[doesn’t] really play games.” I’m also really competitive while she’s not. Here we’ll review games not only for their two-player capabilities but also how we felt about them individually, so you get a feel for what it’s like for players of different levels of experience and who enjoy different kinds of games.

Battle by Ships ~ PirateFleet 4 Friends

by vukee Games GmbH & Co. KG (Free US/UK, Paid US/UK)

“4 Friends” with four figures geddit geddit – yeah okay the name of this game really annoys me too.

How the Game Works: Just like the game Battleship, each of you takes turns to guess where your opponent’s ships are and shoot cannonballs to sink them.

“Oh no, you’re shooting at my ships. Not even in a sexy way.” “Are you trying to sexualise PirateFleet?” “Yeah shooting things at ships is like shooting sperm at your uterus. Except I don’t shoot sperm at your uterus.”

“Why is it called PirateFleet 4 Friends when you’re bombing your friend’s ships. You’re bombing your friendships!”

Fikri [ 3 / 5 ] ★★★☆☆

If you like Battleship, you’ll like this. I don’t really, though I’ve always liked pushing the tiny plastic ships/pins into the grid, and clearly you can’t do that with the mobile app. It’s a straightforward turn-based game but the animations (and ads, in the free version) make gameplay a bit too slow to hold my attention for long, especially when you’re in that final stretch looking for that one annoying two-bit ship.

Natalie [ 3 / 5 ] ★★★☆☆

Automating Battleship seems efficient but it also removes the fun of trying to peer at your opponent’s face and guess if your strike was close. The app was very draggy and I guess I don’t particularly enjoy feeling like a warlord with a weirdly immobile fleet. I hid that two-bit ship well though.

Draw Something

by OMGPOP (Free US/UK, Paid US/UK)

I am the worst at drawing and Nat is terrible at maps, but STILL LOOK AT THE MAGIC WE MADE HAPPEN!

How the Game Works: You pick a word from a list of three (of varying difficulties, from “mouse” to “Jonas”), draw that thing, and your partner guesses it. Both of you continue to earn coins (used to get more in-game add-ons) as long as you keep guessing correctly.

“Every time you draw something phallic, I think it’s a dildo.” “That’s not my fault, you know.”

“I’m not drawing porn okay. This is a clue.”

F [ 5 / 5 ] ★★★★★

This game stopped being popular two years ago or something but it’s still a great game! Playing with your partner makes for much hilarity (sometimes judgeyness) and is way better than starting games with strangers who’ll never respond or who just write out the word you’re supposed to be guessing.

N [ 4 / 5 ] ★★★★☆

This game is a little more amusing when done with background commentary (we played it while on a Skype videocall). Since Fik is not great at drawing, it was less ill-matched than the other games, although her opening shot was cool because it involved near-consonance. [F: I drew a plunger for “plumber,” and I totally didn’t think anything of it but apparently this impresses ladies. Well this one at least.]

We didn’t play Draw Something 2 because it kept crashing whenever I tried to sign up via the non-Facebook route and Nat didn’t like that it “looks like Instagram.”

FIFA 14 by EA SPORTS

by Electronic Arts (Free US/UK)

I AM A MAN I DO MAN-SPORTS FOR MY MAN-FEELINGS

How the Game Works: You play football with your fingers! The game matches involve real-life teams and players, none of which either of us are familiar with. The two-player mode allows you to play at the same time over wi-fi, which is a nice change from turn-based games, but also requires that you both have stable internet connections for a graphics-heavy game.

F [ 1 / 5 ] ★☆☆☆☆

Not only does this game only feature all-male teams, it also uses male pronouns to refer to you/your friends. The two-player online friendly mode was really buggy (one of us could invite the other but then the invitation could not be accepted) and I’m not really a fan of the gameplay so I’m giving this a pass. (This review is probably very biased because I don’t like real football, though I liked that the iOS version addresses what I consider the sport’s biggest weakness: matches no longer take 1.5 hours.)

N [ 2 / 5 ] ★★☆☆☆

I neither got past the beginner level nor played matches longer than four minutes in total, but I feel that this game is the closest I will get to playing sports in my life. The basics were easy to pick up and I enjoyed the illusion of athletic ability, but as a moderate WoSo fan I feel the lost opportunity for women football players keenly. After a while it was not very fun being good at virtual football on my own, and so much of the football was lost on me. Since this is FIFA, it uses information from real football worlds, so if you’re into men’s football you might like it. You can download real match data and everything to pretend to control your favourite team with your fingers.

Hatchi – A Retro Virtual Pet

by Portable Pixels (Paid US/UK)

Both our Hatchis hate apples, and are thus abominations upon this earth.

How the Game Works: You care for and raise a virtual pet by feeding, cleaning and playing with it. The app also contains mini-games like Hatchi Squares (tic-tac-toe) and Roshambo (scissors-paper-stone). Battle mode pits you against another person’s Hatchi by tapping your way through three mini-games, with some bizarre fireball collision sequence (based on who tapped things better?) at the end determining who wins.

F [ 3 / 5 ] ★★★☆☆

Hatchi isn’t much of a game at all but I chose it out of some vague nostalgia for Tamagotchi. It’s not particularly engaging and the two-player mode was slightly glitchy (Nat could initiate battles but I couldn’t), but I can see myself being entertained by this for a while yet.

N [ 3 / 5 ] ★★★☆☆

I’m going to admit that I did not like the idea of making a pet to get attached to just so that Fik could battle it. But then I made two Hatchis and got weirdly into it all, whining about having to maintain them, caring that they evolved, and playing the super mindless single-player games. Battling is the weirdest (pared down graphics reveal how trivially difficult it is to win), but I liked the nostalgic aesthetic.

Letterpress – Word Game

by atebits (Free US/UK)

Yes our Game Center photos are of our cats, which is possibly gayer than couple photos.

How the Game Works: In a two-player set-up, your aim is to make as many words as possible in a 5×5 grid. You claim letters by using them and the game ends when either all the letters have been claimed or neither of you is able to make a word for two turns, after which whoever has the most letters wins.

F [ 4 / 5 ] ★★★★☆

I really like the idea and design of this game. It’s an interesting take on competitive word games and is native to the digital medium, unlike most other games we tried that were adapted from physical games, and we didn’t encounter a single problem while playing it. It’s great especially for when you don’t have a lot of time. I’m giving it just a bit less than a perfect score because it’s a bit hard to get the hang of at first and it’s more about strategy than words, which isn’t a flaw in itself but I’m a word games snob.

N [ 5 / 5 ] ★★★★★

I like words, and I like how this game doesn’t have that many rules to restrict me from making words, but is still challenging depending on what the board looks like. I thought the concept was clever, if a little hard to master for the truly uncompetitive (e.g. me), and it lasted just long enough to feel like a substantial game without it getting draggy. If the board is easy you could challenge each other to themed words. Clearly this is a budding talent of mine.

Real Racing 3

by Electronic Arts (Free US/UK)

How the Game Works: Buy cars, race ’em, earn money to buy more cars. There are different types of races (drag races, time trials, etc.) and real cars/racetracks, though we know about as much about them as we do football. The app supports time-shifted two/multiplayer gameplay, which allows you to compete with people even when they’re offline by racing against AI simulations of their best completed race times.

“You can’t see right now because you’re racing but my face is not pleased. My face is not pleased.”

“Oh I got a clean race bonus! Oh they’re minusing things the bonus is falling oh… oh. The bonus is gone.”

F [ 3 / 5 ] ★★★☆☆

I’ve always been terrible at racing games (and even worse at driving irl) but I loved Real Racing 3, probably because the default settings give you lots of support with braking while turning corners and I’m the worst at that because I’m reckless. I also really like games that let you earn achievements and collect things, in this case cars, trophies and upgrades. But I’m marking it down because as a two/multiplayer game, it’s not particularly interactive and doesn’t feel much different from playing with NPCs.

N [ 1 / 5 ] ★☆☆☆☆

I’m afraid I know next to nothing about cars and racing, and don’t really care about them IRL. Also, I dramatically lack virtual-steering skills and the achievements/unlocking situation does not motivate me to improve very much. Your mileage may vary, etc.

Ruzzle

by MAG Interactive (Free US/UK)

Unfortunately I didn’t think to screencap it when I’d found “porn.”

How the Game Works: Ruzzle is a digital Boggle. You have 2 minutes to find as many words as possible in a 4×4 grid. In the two-player mode, you play 3 rounds with each other, and whoever has the most points at the end of it (based on number and length of words as well as use of bonus letter tiles) wins.

F [ 4 / 5 ] ★★★★☆

I associate Boggle (and Scrabble) with childhood trauma because my parents would gather us around these games… and then trash us at them. They showed no mercy, you guys. No mercy. But then I grew up and I played word games obsessively to get better and recover the scraps of my self-esteem, so – what I’m saying is I love this game. It’s not quite as fun as shaking the little letter cubes up in a transparent plastic box, but at least with this app no one can accuse anyone of messing with the sand timer.

N [ 4 / 5 ] ★★★★☆

I never played Boggle, but am pretty into this game! Am still below average at it, but it’s not infuriating enough for me to give up completely (see: Real Racing 3). The dictionary is a little arbitrary (it excludes ‘boi’ and ‘clit’ but includes other dodgy words), but nonetheless forgiving to the less aspirational player (depending on how good your opponent is, you can win on lots of trivial short words). There isn’t a single-player mode besides the practice round, so you need your random opponent/friend to be interested enough in it/you to keep playing.

SCRABBLE™

by Electronic Arts (Free US/UK, Paid US/UK)

Yeah that’s probably not a real word, but “qi” totally is.

How the Game Works: You score points by arranging letter tiles on the board, building on words put down earlier in the game. The game ends when all the tiles have been used.

“Should we review how the chat function works?” “Well we don’t really use it, except when you text me sexually suggestive things to try to distract me.” “…a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.”

“I think I can make ‘lolcats’. Do you think that’s a word?” “I don’t think so. It is in my heart.”

F [ 5 / 5 ] ★★★★★

I really, really love Scrabble, and in particular, I really, really love online Scrabble because in real life no one believes that the two-letter words I play are actual words. I also really, really love playing Scrabble with Nat because no one else will play with me anymore and she still loves me even when I put seven-letter words on the triple word score tile. The dictionary is useful when you’re about to put down a slightly ridiculous, possibly made-up word (okay I’m terrible) but I find the Teacher (who tells you the best possible word after your turn and can, thankfully, be switched off) incredibly annoying.

N [ 3 / 5 ] ★★★☆☆

Fik is extremely good at Scrabble. The kind of good that makes her other friends stop playing with her. Since this app has a dictionary of two-letter words, you don’t even have to leave the app to be annoying about it. I thought I would not enjoy this game but found that my apathy to winning helped me keep playing. In other words, I’ll play it if it makes her happy.

Super Stickman Golf 2

by Noodlecake Studios Inc (Paid US/UK)

We’re really good at this game can you tell?

How the Game Works: You, Super Stickman, play Super Golf on gravity-defying, obstacle-ridden courses. Collect “bux” and level up along the way to enter the hat lottery. Hats! Hats are so great. The game has both real time and turn-based multiplayer modes.

“In the hat lottery I won a pirate’s blood hat that turns all the water red.” “That sounds like the start of a great feminist action campaign.”

“Clearly this is an opportunity for us to make jokes about holes.” “I feel like I could do interesting (read: dirty) things with you being ‘two strokes ahead’ but I don’t think they would fly in the review.”

“This is not working out so well. I liked it better when it was just the two of us. I think threesomes are not really our thing. This other person was invited without our consent.”

F [ 4 / 5 ] ★★★★☆

The real time multiplayer mode is excellent because you get to watch each other fake-hit a fake-ball, which can be hilarious (the screencap above shows Nat hitting the ball behind her stickperson, by the way) but – and this is a big but – the app also roped in some random third person, which made the game weird for us (and probably worse for them) because this person was like level 21 and we’re level 2 and 1. I didn’t find it to be the funnest game – nothing wrong with it, just a matter of personal preference – but if you like things similar to say, Angry Birds, this might be for you.

N [ 3 / 5 ] ★★★☆☆

I don’t have that many bad things to say about this game. Although I am uninterested in real golf, the game was not as disastrous for my self-esteem/feigned indifference to games as Real Racing 3. The real time multiplayer mode is a race that seems to require more than two players, but there was also a turn-based two player option. It looks like it has a whole bunch of levels, courses, and course/ball dynamics to keep the average player occupied (which is considerate since I paid for it) but I tried playing the second course and never finished on par, so I can’t unlock the rest. “Below average” is my brand here.

Worms™ 3

by Team17 Software Ltd (Paid US/UK)

How the Game Works: There is no easy way to summarise what goes on in this game. Your team of worms attack/kill other worms with an assortment of weapons ranging from grenades and air strikes to an exploding old woman. There are quite a few two-player game modes available, including Sudden Death and Forts, but we only played the straightforward one-on-one battles.

“Ow. Ow. Ow. Did you have to do that?! You drowned my worm.” “After I bazooka’d it.”

“You know my worm is standing on top of your worm? I kind of want it to do other things.”

“My spirit is too fragile for this game. My worms are like my babies. I dressed them, I named them… and you just drowned, like, one quarter of them.”

“I see you humping your own worm.”

F [ 5 / 5 ] ★★★★★

I loved the PC version of Worms as a child and this iOS rendition of it surpassed my expectations. The controls aren’t the most intuitive but it is a complex game (in one timed turn you have to position your worm, use utility tools, choose a weapon, configure that weapon, etc.) and I got the hang of it pretty quickly through the tutorials, though I’m already very familiar with how the game works. It’s best played on a larger screen (I used my iPhone) and perhaps not with both of you playing at the same time, because it takes quite a while between turns. Slightly uncomfortably, playing with Nat made me realise how much video games have desensitised me to violence and her sister called us “bad vegetarians.”

N [ 1 / 5 ] ★☆☆☆☆

This was incredibly stressful for me. It also weighs heavily on my conscience. If you aren’t comfortable launching campaigns against virtual worms, you aren’t going to like this game. It was also super difficult for me to get the hang of because I am the worst at games. I played it on my iPad and it was a little buggy, but restarting the app worked. On some level this game was funny because it is turn-based and I got to watch Fik make mistakes too. But mostly I don’t think I’ll get over poisoning a worm. Watching it go green was just too much.

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